New York State must be one of those places where landlords can turn off the heat on the first day of spring no matter what temperature it is. I've got thermostat right in my apartment and have got it turned way up, because the thermometer on it is grossly inaccurate - if I want it to be seventy, I have to put it up to about eighty to get it to seventy. But it's dropped way low. It's freezing in here and the heaters aren't working at all and it's set moderately high (by its own quirky consistent inaccuracies it should be at about 72)...
The logic behind this is that in spring you shouldn't need heat and healthy people might do better leaving it off. But not everyone is healthy people. Some people, like me, will inevitably get sick if temperature goes down too far, because there's some general weakness. I can look at what goes on with my disabilities and see that if normal activities take four or five times the physical effort, then cold air and cold weather is additional stress on top of that, resulting in, well, weakened immune system and getting sick. I've been getting chronic fatigue all my life. It makes that weakness a bit easier to understand.
But no easier to live with when I don't have a choice of where to live any more. This makes me really miss living in New Orleans where I had a warm climate.
Except that down there I'd get heat prostration a bit more easily than most people.
And it tends to make me pointlessly angry about my physical limits. Every time I turn around and find out that something most people might reasonably think of as luxuries, like convenience food or temperature control, isn't a luxury at all but something that I genuinely need in my life or I'll get sick, I get so angry.
There is a part of me that if I were at least average, let alone big and strong and healthy, would shove it all off and just go live out in the woods half the time and not care anything about either money or civilization. There are times when the price of those things seems way, way too high - and I'm not someone with dependent children who has to think of that to consider walking away from it all.
Walking away from it all.
Totally out of reach - and I recognized something after thirty books. A tiny significant omission. I don't bother to put many chase scenes. They just don't happen. I don't even imagine that running away would solve anything, since if it was something that had to be run away from, I'd just die. Hide from, yeah. Stalk and ambush, yeah, and that's been on good guys and bad guys sides in books. But not that flat out, all out run for your life or run to catch someone scene that's there in almost everything.
I belong to a species that in nature just runs down its prey like wolves, stands up tall and gets it running and outlasts it on foot even if it's faster.
I am the one who can't run, so I have to be able to think, to fight if needed, to use any available resource that doesn't demand what I can't do. And I didn't think I had blinders on. I didn't think there were things I was just oblivious to in life that are powerful, instinctive and moving to readers. I mean, most of my life I was *not* actually mooning about how horrible it is that I don't win races. I was honestly just trying to get out of having to GO to gym so that I wouldn't have to bother with something that unrewarding. Let alone being expected to enjoy *watching* other people do things I couldn't, when most of them were people I didn't much like doing something I found that boring.
Now it nags at me like a blind spot.
Now as a writer, I do have to comprehend what's outside my experience and will inevitably continue to be outside my experience. I do not compete in races. I do not compete in sports. I do not bother with things where I'd have that much trouble getting to the starting line, if I know I'm going to be lousy at it I don't want to waste my time and energy.
Most people have got some energy to waste and might find it fun as a bit of a thrill just to try. If bored, physical activity might unbore them, might be satisfying and within the range of other average people trying to knock off a few pounds or something would be very happy to make a little progress against what they did last time. Or the other amateur joggers and hikers.
A small dream shattered - or at least made more difficult. Backwoods Independence ala Whole Earth Catalog - will take more money and more effort to set up for myself than it would for a normally abled person. The technology does exist. I could own the machines. I could get it together and set it up in ways that are within *my* abilities to maintain, whether it's worth doing will depend a lot on the circumstances.
But for most of my life I thought I'd do it and love it if I just got somewhere suitable.
This is a long process, coming out of denial. There are secondary and tertiary levels of recognizing things I thought of as more selfishness, sloppiness, laziness - that were adaptations to limits that were real whether I acknowledged them or not. I've put the oven on with the door open. It's not the most cost effective way to heat this apartment, the heater is probably a lot more cost effective. But I don't control that and do control the oven and I'm not like everyone else. I have to recognize that and accept it.
Robert and Ari >^..^<