Chapter 15 stalled in the first few hundred words, and I'm not sure why. Though back trouble and physical fatigue is a good candidate, considering how much I've slept recently. About 14 hours in one day, coupled with a lot of body aches and general bleah feeling the rest of the time I was awake. Not sure what that is. Taking vitamins and mild pain killers for it.
And I have to just look at everything around me. The house has started to slide toward disorder in a fairly big way, since I got a little run down. This happens. Happens anytime I get a health problem, mostly because it's that marginal my getting it clean in the first place. I finally got rid of the broken chair or rather, got it out from behind the desk. For the past day or so I've been using the almost-dead lawn chair that I had last summer. It still has a back, instead of the back canted backward at a flopping weird angle like a recliner. Office chairs weren't built for crooked men. They were built for slender ladies who sit up straight, even the ones with arms are designed for someone I don't even know. The result is that previous chair wasn't giving me support and I'm getting back trouble as if I worked in an office job with a bad chair - though if I worked in an office for three months and the chair at my desk looked like that I'd have probably gotten fired for breaking the furniture anyway.
Hopefully the semi working lawn chair will begin to relieve it. Tomorrow I'm going out and while I'll probably throw my back on the shopping trip, getting a new chair for the desk. I need it, I know I need it and even in this state of exhaustion it's well worth the effort managing to get through the trip, because it'll make a difference afterward. I just get annoyed at the way it creeps up on me. Most of the time my health problems are like that - slow and cumulative and get pretty bad before I even notice them at all. Till I do something so far off the scale that it hits me in the head, like sleep more than half the day because I'm that tired.
I get especially confused and annoyed if it interferes with my writing. I'm used to being able to just throw myself into it with a lot of enthusiasm, enjoy the process and let the time slide by without even noticing it. But when the physical stuff starts catching up to me - even when it's something simple like forgetting to eat, it startles me. I have to sit back, think about everything that's going on and recognize if it's that familiar downward spiral of exhaustion - because that's the point I really feel and notice everything that I've ignored and put up with because writing was so satisfying.
What I have to remember is that it's like catching a cold or whatever. If I take care of the causes, it will go away and I'll have energy again. It's just frustrating when I don't have the means to take care of all the causes, look at the overwhelming amount of stuff I have to do in the real world and know that I'm that much behind all the normal day to day things. That's when I wind up that angry at being disabled. Things that wouldn't be more than an hour or two for anyone else wind up taking all day for me and at the end of the day, what I have to show for it isn't any kind of achievement to take great pride in - just some subnormal, ignorable, ordinary state of affairs no one would notice. But it took the kind of work that a vast achievement would. I find it hard to make myself appreciate it. It seems like wasted effort.
That comes into something that I need to think through, and find some way to wrap my mind around. Disability itself. The way I look at myself is something I can decide. The way I think of myself does not have to agree with society at large at all. But a lot of common ideas are things I have to recognize whether I internalized or not.
I can and will compensate for a lot of this. When I've made some real success for myself with my writing, I can set my priorities reasonably to compensate for it. There's a good many creative people out there who'd love to pick up odd jobs and live off the clock, the way I picked up odd jobs and lived off the clock for so many years. I haven't met the ones who live in this area because in this area, I'm in suburbia without a vehicle. There aren't any coffee shops to meet them, there aren't any places to hang out and socialize in real life, there's logistic reasons why I just don't even know more than one person socially here in real life and that's the major one. Suburbia is set up for cars and I'm effectively housebound by that hill.
Once the whole Social Security thing is over and done with, I could either move or with a car, this area would become very different. I know I would want to move. At the very least, move to a place where the street is about four steps away from my front door and those steps aren't uphill or downhill! I wound up with pot luck on this apartment because I didn't get to go looking for it. The agency did. The agency didn't actually have my skills at apartment finding, either for cost or for quality. The up side of this specific apartment is that I don't have a problem having a cat here - and Ari is that important to me. There are up sides to it. It's actually about middling as the apartments I've had go.
Things could be worse, things could be better. They're just what they are and sometimes the logistics get to be a bit much, that's all. I've gotten somewhere going through with all this and if I stick it out, I'll really get somewhere in the long run. Back to the novel. I think it's time to pick on my characters...
Robert and Ari >^..^<